NY Diary

It's been a while since I've posted anything. This is due, in large part, to a lack of anything exciting going on in my life. However, last week I did take a drive down to Manhattan to work at a regional student video show at the MOMA. I got hopelessly lost as soon as I reached the George Washington Bridge and only regained my sense of direction after I picked up a couple of former students living in the city. In hindsight the trip was nothing short of a cerebral orgasm. However, I guess with most orgasms you really have to work for them. The diary that follows is a moment by moment account of the quest foreplay. Part I



March 11th 2008
11:00pm


Dear Diary,I’m going to New York City. Yippee!! I am sooo excited I could wet my pants. This will be my first trip there in over ten years and this time……I won’t have a chaperon…yay! I plan on driving my own car because everyone I talk to says that to really enjoy the city you “HAVE to drive in rush hour traffic in Manhattan.” Well, call me crazy…tee hee…I just HAVE to. My hotel is on Church Street, which is wayyyy down town. I am going to take my friend’s GPS just to make sure I don’t get lost. But half the fun of discovering a new place is getting lost. Everyone is going to be soooo jealous when I get back. Wish me luck!


March 12th 2008
1:00pm

Dear Diary,

Oh, my! I’m a bit lost. Apparently my friend’s GPS decided that “Church Street, Brooklyn” sounded an awful lot like “Church Street, Manhattan” and that’s why I’m sitting in front of a crack house at the end of a one way street. Gosh I hope someone don’t “bust a cap in my honkey ass” hahahahaha!! No, seriously…I really hope that doesn’t happen. Ooooh, but I can see the city wayyyy off in the distance. I’ll just follow the other cars. Wish me luck!


March 12th 2008
2:00pm

Dear Diary,

Ooooh Kay, apparently EVERYONE in Brooklyn is going to the JFK airport so I decided to follow the cars going in the other direction. And apparently all THOSE cars were going to Laguardia airport. Seems to me an awful lot of people want to get out of here. But everyone seems to be really friendly: people are honking their horns and waving at me with their middle fingers! And their primitive shouts of encouragement sound more like a gorilla with a mouthful of Leggos than a human. They’re just charming! Maybe I’ll just turn the GPS back on and give that another shot! Wish me luck!


March 12th 2008
2:30pm


Dear Diary,

Well, I’m back at the crack house and I can feel just the slightest bit of anxiety starting to creep over me. Nothing to worry about just yet but one of my fingers is a little bloody from chewing on it. Haha! Crazy anxiety. Everything is going to be just fine. Oooooh, I can still see the city off in the distance. Off we go. Wish me luck!




March 12th 2008
2:50pm


Dear Diary,

Progress!!! I passed by a large metal sculpture of the planet Earth and a couple of flying saucer looking things for the fifth time a mile back and now I know that ISN’T the way to go. I think I see a bridge coming up. Maybe that will take me back home. Hahaha. Just kidding. Can’t give up now. Almost there. Wish me luck!


March 12th 2008
3:10pm


Dear Diary,

Yay!!! I just crossed a bridge and asked a nice policeman where I should drive to get into the city. He told me to stop crying. I told him I had something in my eye. He said to “take exit ten…den go tru da tunnal and den you be dare.” Woohoo, I’m on my wayyyyyy. Wish me luck!


March 12th 2008
3:12pm


Dear Diary,

OK, I’ve had enough of this fucking bullshit. I should have been there three fucking hours ago but NOOoooo. Even if it weren’t for that God damned piece of shit GPS sending me into fucking Vietnam I’d still be stuck out here in the friggen weeds because it doesn’t matter what fucking direction you’re driving in, EVERYONE is going in YOUR fucking direction and they all act like angry, retarded children behind the wheel for the first time. I swear to God if I don’t get off this fucking road I am going to step on the gas and take as many of these motherfuckers into hell with me. Fuck luck!!!!




March 12th 2008
3:17pm


Dear Diary,

Yayyy!!! Just before I took out my hunting knife to thrust into my own chest…ROBBIE CALLED!!! I’m saved. I just came out of a tunnel and he told me just enough to get me even more confused about the street system. Apparently there are boulevards and numbered streets. The higher the numbers go…the more money you make. And if you make a wrong turn on certain boulevards you could end up getting murdered and dumped in that pretty river that is right in front of me. Robbie told me to turn around and to start driving until I came to an area where people weren’t wearing their underwear on their heads. He would then guide me to where he was. Goodbye Mr. Anxiety. Phew!



March 12th 2008
3:45pm

Dear Diary,

WooHoo! I picked up Robbie and now we are sitting in front of Kevin’s house. Yay, Kevin! They are building some stuff on Kevin’s street so it looks a little like what Hiroshima would have looked like ten minutes after the blast if Armani and Kenneth Anger had been brought in as the architects. Robbie is a good tour guide. He’s already told me where people get murdered. There’s Kevin! OK, with them in the car we shouldn’t have any problem finding my hotel. We’re off!!



March12th 2008
5:15pm

Dear Diary,

I just realized that most people who live in New York City have no idea how to get anywhere. When I ask Robbie and Kevin how to get to my hotel they quickly change the subject. Me: “hey, Robbie, how do I get to my hotel?” Robbie: “Well, just drive…Oh! That’s where I stood during the Super Bowl parade…and there…and there…and there…and there…and there…” Or, “Kevin? How do I get to my hotel?” Kevin: Umm, just go down…So, did you hear that Elliot Spitzer was arrested for prostitution? The irony is....!!!” I’m beginning to think that they don’t know how to get to my hotel. Humph!


March 12th 2008
5:30pm


Dear Diary,

Apparently my hotel sits right on top of Ground Zero. Otherwise we wouldn’t be having such a hard time finding it. We can see it. But then again, most building are big enough to see from Ohio. In the mean time Kevin and Robbie decided to play a little game called “Lets Get Really Fucking Lost and Break a Few Laws While We’re At It.” It’s a fun game where they point in a direction and your job is to guess whether they know where they are going or are just fucking with you. Hahahah!! Soooo much fun. My favorite part of this game was when I was told to drive down a pedestrian alley near wall street. Oh, the laughs we got from the people we almost hit. The best part was going in reverse and then attempting to drive down a one way street. Woooweee! It doesn’t get any better then that. BUT IT DID!! Just to clear our heads of all the fun and excitement of playing the game we decided that the best way to get to the hotel (which was about 100 yards away from us at the time) was to go through a tunnel and drive BACK TO BROOKLYN!! Yesss. I’m in the Twilight Zone.


March 12th 2008
5:50pm


Dear Diary,

While trying to flee Brooklyn as fast as we could I ran a red light and got pulled over by the police. Robbie wasn’t wearing his seat but his choreographed “epileptic ninja getting stung by a swarm of killer bees” moves got the seat belt on just in time. Kevin continually reassured me with his “oh shit we are deaded” mantra. The kind policeman took one look at my face and realized I was having a bad day. He declined my request to shoot me in the face and instead gave us a “shortcut” to the hotel. Off we go.



March 12th 2008
5:50pm

Dear Diary,

We are sitting in front of the hotel and a man just took my keys to park the car. I guess its bad form to drop to your knees and kiss the feet of a valet in NY. I don't care. We Made IT! I don't care what happens now as long as I have a quiet room.


Next installment: “Big Meat, Bulldozers, and Fast Cabs