Tuesday, March 18, 2008

NY Diary

It's been a while since I've posted anything. This is due, in large part, to a lack of anything exciting going on in my life. However, last week I did take a drive down to Manhattan to work at a regional student video show at the MOMA. I got hopelessly lost as soon as I reached the George Washington Bridge and only regained my sense of direction after I picked up a couple of former students living in the city. In hindsight the trip was nothing short of a cerebral orgasm. However, I guess with most orgasms you really have to work for them. The diary that follows is a moment by moment account of the quest foreplay. Part I

March 11th 2008

Dear Diary,I’m going to New York City. Yippee!! I am sooo excited I could wet my pants. This will be my first trip there in over ten years and this time……I won’t have a chaperon…yay! I plan on driving my own car because everyone I talk to says that to really enjoy the city you “HAVE to drive in rush hour traffic in Manhattan.” Well, call me crazy…tee hee…I just HAVE to. My hotel is on Church Street, which is wayyyy down town. I am going to take my friend’s GPS just to make sure I don’t get lost. But half the fun of discovering a new place is getting lost. Everyone is going to be soooo jealous when I get back. Wish me luck!

March 12th 2008

Dear Diary,

Oh, my! I’m a bit lost. Apparently my friend’s GPS decided that “Church Street, Brooklyn” sounded an awful lot like “Church Street, Manhattan” and that’s why I’m sitting in front of a crack house at the end of a one way street. Gosh I hope someone don’t “bust a cap in my honkey ass” hahahahaha!! No, seriously…I really hope that doesn’t happen. Ooooh, but I can see the city wayyyy off in the distance. I’ll just follow the other cars. Wish me luck!

March 12th 2008

Dear Diary,

Ooooh Kay, apparently EVERYONE in Brooklyn is going to the JFK airport so I decided to follow the cars going in the other direction. And apparently all THOSE cars were going to Laguardia airport. Seems to me an awful lot of people want to get out of here. But everyone seems to be really friendly: people are honking their horns and waving at me with their middle fingers! And their primitive shouts of encouragement sound more like a gorilla with a mouthful of Leggos than a human. They’re just charming! Maybe I’ll just turn the GPS back on and give that another shot! Wish me luck!

March 12th 2008

Dear Diary,

Well, I’m back at the crack house and I can feel just the slightest bit of anxiety starting to creep over me. Nothing to worry about just yet but one of my fingers is a little bloody from chewing on it. Haha! Crazy anxiety. Everything is going to be just fine. Oooooh, I can still see the city off in the distance. Off we go. Wish me luck!

March 12th 2008

Dear Diary,

Progress!!! I passed by a large metal sculpture of the planet Earth and a couple of flying saucer looking things for the fifth time a mile back and now I know that ISN’T the way to go. I think I see a bridge coming up. Maybe that will take me back home. Hahaha. Just kidding. Can’t give up now. Almost there. Wish me luck!

March 12th 2008

Dear Diary,

Yay!!! I just crossed a bridge and asked a nice policeman where I should drive to get into the city. He told me to stop crying. I told him I had something in my eye. He said to “take exit ten…den go tru da tunnal and den you be dare.” Woohoo, I’m on my wayyyyyy. Wish me luck!

March 12th 2008

Dear Diary,

OK, I’ve had enough of this fucking bullshit. I should have been there three fucking hours ago but NOOoooo. Even if it weren’t for that God damned piece of shit GPS sending me into fucking Vietnam I’d still be stuck out here in the friggen weeds because it doesn’t matter what fucking direction you’re driving in, EVERYONE is going in YOUR fucking direction and they all act like angry, retarded children behind the wheel for the first time. I swear to God if I don’t get off this fucking road I am going to step on the gas and take as many of these motherfuckers into hell with me. Fuck luck!!!!

March 12th 2008

Dear Diary,

Yayyy!!! Just before I took out my hunting knife to thrust into my own chest…ROBBIE CALLED!!! I’m saved. I just came out of a tunnel and he told me just enough to get me even more confused about the street system. Apparently there are boulevards and numbered streets. The higher the numbers go…the more money you make. And if you make a wrong turn on certain boulevards you could end up getting murdered and dumped in that pretty river that is right in front of me. Robbie told me to turn around and to start driving until I came to an area where people weren’t wearing their underwear on their heads. He would then guide me to where he was. Goodbye Mr. Anxiety. Phew!

March 12th 2008

Dear Diary,

WooHoo! I picked up Robbie and now we are sitting in front of Kevin’s house. Yay, Kevin! They are building some stuff on Kevin’s street so it looks a little like what Hiroshima would have looked like ten minutes after the blast if Armani and Kenneth Anger had been brought in as the architects. Robbie is a good tour guide. He’s already told me where people get murdered. There’s Kevin! OK, with them in the car we shouldn’t have any problem finding my hotel. We’re off!!

March12th 2008

Dear Diary,

I just realized that most people who live in New York City have no idea how to get anywhere. When I ask Robbie and Kevin how to get to my hotel they quickly change the subject. Me: “hey, Robbie, how do I get to my hotel?” Robbie: “Well, just drive…Oh! That’s where I stood during the Super Bowl parade…and there…and there…and there…and there…and there…” Or, “Kevin? How do I get to my hotel?” Kevin: Umm, just go down…So, did you hear that Elliot Spitzer was arrested for prostitution? The irony is....!!!” I’m beginning to think that they don’t know how to get to my hotel. Humph!

March 12th 2008

Dear Diary,

Apparently my hotel sits right on top of Ground Zero. Otherwise we wouldn’t be having such a hard time finding it. We can see it. But then again, most building are big enough to see from Ohio. In the mean time Kevin and Robbie decided to play a little game called “Lets Get Really Fucking Lost and Break a Few Laws While We’re At It.” It’s a fun game where they point in a direction and your job is to guess whether they know where they are going or are just fucking with you. Hahahah!! Soooo much fun. My favorite part of this game was when I was told to drive down a pedestrian alley near wall street. Oh, the laughs we got from the people we almost hit. The best part was going in reverse and then attempting to drive down a one way street. Woooweee! It doesn’t get any better then that. BUT IT DID!! Just to clear our heads of all the fun and excitement of playing the game we decided that the best way to get to the hotel (which was about 100 yards away from us at the time) was to go through a tunnel and drive BACK TO BROOKLYN!! Yesss. I’m in the Twilight Zone.

March 12th 2008

Dear Diary,

While trying to flee Brooklyn as fast as we could I ran a red light and got pulled over by the police. Robbie wasn’t wearing his seat but his choreographed “epileptic ninja getting stung by a swarm of killer bees” moves got the seat belt on just in time. Kevin continually reassured me with his “oh shit we are deaded” mantra. The kind policeman took one look at my face and realized I was having a bad day. He declined my request to shoot me in the face and instead gave us a “shortcut” to the hotel. Off we go.

March 12th 2008

Dear Diary,

We are sitting in front of the hotel and a man just took my keys to park the car. I guess its bad form to drop to your knees and kiss the feet of a valet in NY. I don't care. We Made IT! I don't care what happens now as long as I have a quiet room.

Next installment: “Big Meat, Bulldozers, and Fast Cabs

Saturday, February 9, 2008

The world Will End Today! I See Money In Your Future.

Ah, the sweet smell of ambiguous bullshit. Don't you just love a horoscope? They are to news print what carny gypsies are to tented, side show attractions; tepid, recycled prognostications that can, if taken seriously, make or break your day. I have never given much weight to these predictions other than using them to pass the time while sitting on the can. Today I thought it might be funny to take a look at several horoscopes from competing newspapers to see how my day/week/month might fare.

There may be more happening emotionally for you than is apparent to anyone else now. You will be better off in the long run by allowing the current situation to continue on its course for a while longer, without forcing any kind of change. Whatever you do, don't just pick the easier path. Instead, take additional time to decide what's truly best.

I have had a pimple over my left ear for a few days and have been debating whether or not to pop it. Better not be hasty!

Unusually for a fun-loving Archer you could find that you’re in quite a heavy, somber mood today. Blame the planets; avoid heavy discussions; keep romance light or steer clear altogether. An off comment might irritate you, but just let it go; there’s no point laboring it, because you’ll get nowhere!

That woman at Dunkin Donuts baited me with Nietzsche. I fender her off with a glazed stick and a few quotes from "Green Eggs and Ham."

You may still think about when you were wronged in the past, but you have a choice about how to proceed. Revenge is like burning down your house to get rid of a rat.

What if that "rat" is that kid who gave you an atomic wedgie in the 4th grade and it is HIS house you want to burn down...TODAY?

Today is a 7. Listen to the reasons the other people offer to try to persuade you. Then, do what's best for them, which is also best for you. You're good at this.

Umm, what the fuck did that mean?

You should try your darndest to experience one or two new things today. You don't have to dive head first into a new culture or a strange hobby, you just have to show yourself a new thing. Try a different type of juice in the morning. Take a different road to work. Listen to a different radio station. By exposing yourself to unfamiliar things, you will either expand your horizons or confirm to yourself that your earlier preferences were right all along.

We have a winner. Today I made Jello and took up the calliope.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Where Vision Meets Budget

I always wonder how closely a finished piece of artwork comes to the actual vision/intention of the artist. For instance, when Picasso pulled his brushes away from his canvass was he filled with a feeling of discovery or a feeling of "yep, that's what I set out to do?" Certainly serendipity plays a major role for most artists. There is nothing more pleasing than stumbling upon benevolent accidents and chance. However, I have always been a fan of really bad music videos. I'm not talking about bad music because if that were the criteria then most music videos would be classified as DOA. I'm talking about those videos that are nothing more than low budget train wrecks from the very get go. The kind that make you cover your face in embarrassment for anyone involved. The kind that makes you ask "is this REALLY what the artist had in mind the first time he/she heard the music?" Below are just a few examples of distorted vision.

This one is just wrong on so many levels. "Hey, we have ten minutes to throw a video together...let's do it." Fuck the death penalty, you commit murder...you have to be a dancer in this group!

This is what happens when a self absorbed lead singer has a producer blowing smoke up his ass, "Tommy, you're a God! We'll get hot dancing chicks dressed like Indians,we'll have fire trucks and fighter jets, the cavalry will come storming over the hill...and you baby will be the star. By the way we have $52 bucks in the account."

Journey...just phoning in the effort.

This was literally a career ending video for Billy Squier. It doesn't get any worse than this folks!

Rocky M. making Billy Squier look like Fred Astaire.

Monday, February 4, 2008

They're Out There.

OK, took a little siesta there for the month of January due in large part to a sudden attack of the "It's winter, I fucking hate the winter" blues. Spring is in my sights and I can almost hear the geese scheduling their boarding passes. So...

Saw a dead guy the other day. Not that that is impressive in and of itself. But, saw a dead guy nonetheless. My friend and I were cruising down the highway when we rounded a long turn and came upon a frantic situation with cars slamming on their breaks and people running all over the place. And there he was! Lying just outside his limousine door, Dressed in a tuxedo, flat on his back, arms and legs spread and looking straight up into the morning sky. We slowed and were prepared to stop but there must have been a dozen cars already pulled over, everyone with a cell phone in hand. I assume the were calling for help and not fulfilling some kind of perverse photo-Op. I said to my friend as I watched and older woman place a towel under his head "someone should be jumping on that guy's chest...he's not going to make it." And sure enough in the following morning paper...he didn't: "So and so...stricken ill on the side of the road....wife and kids....no mas." But here is the reason I'm writing this. I think this is going to stay with me a while. Not for the fact that I witnessed a human being departing the living. I've witnessed that in more gory theatrics than that. No, what is going to stick with me is that I am a cynic by nature. I have come to believe that humans are a selfish lot and will rarely, if ever, extend themselves beyond what is absolutely necessary...and even then only if it will benefit them. So, I was amazed to see so many people, with honest intentions written across their faces, leaping into action to help postpone the death of this stranger. Maybe I am just delusional or have fallen victim to the Blitzkrieg of human negativity the media shamelessly passes off as news, but I think I might have witnessed the chink in the armor that the vast majority of us have buried beneath our cloak of cynicism: compassion. And this is an encouraging first step toward salvation if we are going to continue functional as a whole on this fucked up little blue rock!

Monday, January 7, 2008

Just Lovely

Isn't it nice to know that there are others out there that subscribe to your philosophy?
Kind of a "We Are The World" for the working class slob.

Thursday, January 3, 2008


Occasionally you get lucky. Today I was in a strange city looking for something entirely different when I stumbled across a museum I had never heard of before. I was driving by it when I noticed several contemporary sculptures buried in the snow on the front lawn. I flipped the car around and into the parking lot. The place looked more like an abandoned schoolhouse than a museum. I would later find out that this is exactly what it was prior to its rescue. I popped my head in the door and asked if they were open. The woman responded that I was a half an hour early but she couldn't see why I couldn't be let in. BONUS POINT museum. The place was out of this world. I could go on about all the exhibits but the one that struck me the most was by a woman named Ana Maria Pacheco. A Brazilian sculptor, painter who is based in London. The piece that was being exhibited was called "Dark Night of the Soul" which is based on The Martyrdom of Saint Sebastian. Unbelievable! Inside a moodily lit room stood approximately 12 enormous wooden figures whose facial expressions and gestures were as haunting as the smell of old burned wood. You are encouraged to walk between all the figures and to stare into their expressive faces. It is as if you are witnessing the moments immediately following the terrible act and that all of these figures have played some prominent role in the exercise. I could never give the piece any justice so check it out yourselves. http://www.anamariapacheco.co.uk/
yeah, some times you get lucky.

Monday, December 31, 2007

Smoke em if you got em!

OK, the quality is swamp ass but you get the idea. Maybe not. This is the one I did last summer.